"How much of your current unhappiness is due to the past?" J asked.
A year had come and gone; a year full of good things- a fulfilling job, vibrant church and newlywed life with my best friend. And yet, I was miserable.
I felt like a spoiled brat, admitting that despite all His goodness, I was still unhappy. I felt a mix of shame and relief as I thought of my answer. Ashamed that I had failed to let the past go; relieved that currently things really were good and not the cause of such misery.
"80%," I confessed. 80% of my current despair caused by ancient history.
"Then I think it is time to deal with it," he said.
Twinging within, I nodded in agreement. It had been nine years. Nine years of pain, bitterness, anger, hatred... nine years of a broken heart.
Dealing with it would require something that I did not know how to do. It would require me to forgive them.
He asked, "Who do you need to forgive?"
I named them one by one; six in all. All six of my offenders were interconnected in one dark period of my life. The six were comprised of four church leaders, one pastor and my dad.
I don't find it necessary to give a detailed account but I will give an overview for context.
(the backstory)
I grew up attending two churches. A baptist church with my mom and a non-denominational church with my dad. I loved my "dad's church." Over a span of ten years, it is there I developed some of the deepest relationships I have ever had. Within this body, my faith and spirituality were shaped.
Then the summer I was fifteen, everything changed. Accusations, confrontations and discipline were aimed at my dad. We tried to stick it out, but the hurt was too deep. Ten years of relational and spiritual investment sank down the drain and we left.
We were damaged. My world crumbled. Dad was broken. My step-mom was abandoned. My little brothers' spiritual foundation was ripped out from beneath them.
The collateral damage spread wide. Impressionable, young Christians knew not where to turn. Friendships were tested and defeated. The church imploded from within.
Losing my norm... losing the spiritual bedrock that was my parents... losing my 3 best friends... losing my childlike faith... losing the ability to trust leadership... losing it all... left a gaping hole in my heart. I began to see and live through a tainted and broken lens.
I cried regularly for the first couple of years. Eventually, my tears of sadness turned to rants of anger. My anger grew to hatred and then to bitterness. I spent college church hopping, skeptical of pastors, resistant to accountability, and increasingly apathetic.
My soul wrestled itself. At age 22, I stood at a crossroad. Would I continue on a path of faith with Christ, even though it came with pain and suffering, or would I walk away once and for all from the only lifestyle I'd known and strive to live a 'good life' on my own apart from Christ?
Still tottering on the fence, I met two pastors from Denver that invited me to join their faith community. I was desperate for the life and the church they described. God threw me a lifeline and in faith I took hold.
Two years later, I was beginning my second year in Denver. The first year consisted of healing, affirmation and blessing. I followed two leaders, wholeheartedly. They led well but they weren't perfect and when their imperfections surfaced, it triggered the bitterness, which intertwined all past and current pain. All progress halted and the downward spiral spun.
Thankfully the pastors in my life were watchful and caring shepherds. When J asked me, "How much of your current unhappiness is due to the past?" I felt known and safe. And when he told me it was time to deal with it, I finally felt ready.
With the support of my husband, pastors and church, I embarked on a forgiveness journey. When I started out, I didn't know how or when I would forgive, but I was determined to be free. I read articles about forgiveness. "Help me now to do the impossible...forgiveness" from Matthew West's song 'Forgiveness' became my prayer. When I doubted my ability to forgive, God showed me through Scripture that I was able to forgive, not through my own power, but through Christ's forgiving power within me. When I felt revengeful and judgmental, God reminded me that all judgement belongs to Him and that He will hold wayward shepherds accountable.
God prepared my heart to forgive quickly after I agreed to go on this venture. I was ready to forgive, but I still didn't know what it would require. J suggested meeting with the individuals in person. At this suggestion, my heart shook in fear. It was one thing to forgive them privately between God and I, but did I really need to subject myself to their presence and possible rejection? Fearful but determined to be free once and for all, I knew it called for drastic measures and I agreed to do the forgiving in person.
The truth is though that forgiveness came before the meetings and the meetings were just an opportunity to share about the journey I had been on. Within 4 months time, I would go on to meet with 5 individuals in person and 1 over the phone. Forgiving and reconciling with my dad first, he was my rock and example through the rest of the process. I'm grateful for the courage and grace that my dad and step-mom modeled. They, along with my husband, graciously agreed to be there for the conversations with people that had hurt them too.
Although awkward at first, the conversations went smoother than I had expected. They listened and responded gracefully. We seemed to be mutually blessed and relieved. For the first time in over a decade, I was able to sit peacefully with them. I wasn't aiming for reconciliation of any sort but yet in a simple, mutually healing way, we were reconciled.
Forgiveness is an experience that bears much fruit. Forgiving them means that I no longer rage with anger at the mention of their names. It means that I am thankful for the good years we had before the brokenness came. It means that I greet them in public and don't run in the other direction. A gift from this journey has been a
restored affection. Our relationships
will never be what they were, but at least now I can remember and
appreciate the joy that our relationships once were. Forgiveness doesn't mean that what they did wasn't wrong, but it does mean I trust God to take care of it, and not me. It doesn't mean that those years of my life aren't a painful memory, but it does mean that I believe God will continue to work it out for my good and His glory.
Forgiveness means I am free! I enjoy life again. I trust. I address offense in real time. I love the church deeply. I continue on a path of faith, because through it all, Christ kept me. Redemption saw me through.
If you are currently miserable because of bad memories or if you can't
seem to move forward because you are stuck in the past, I encourage you
to go on a forgiveness journey. Our bitterness doesn't hurt anyone but
us. Reach out to the One who forgave you. Through Him, you can forgive
the worst of offenders.
